the unstitution

Argh. This blogging business is taking longer than I thought it would. Famous last words. Often mine.

I started writing a post about New Year’s Resoltutions worth stealing more than 2 weeks ago, and forgot about it. It must’ve fallen into the hole where all my other “started but not yet complete” projects go. It’s so full, I’m amazed anything else fit in.

Then I found it today in the Performancing plugin that goes with Firefox. The plugin is a blog editing tool which allows you to write and post to your blogs from the Firefox browser. I was checking it out, wasn’t getting it, wasn’t happy with my post, so decided to leave it till later. My other famous words.

Then life got busy as usual, and since I didn’t have any more time to check out the new editor, I didn’t open it again and so forgot about my half-written post. That is until today, when I decided to see if the plugin was a good option for writing notes to myself about stuff to blog about in the future – so that I wouldn’t forget them. Hah.

And there it was. Awwwwww. That’s the sound you make when you see a cute little puppy with a cast on his leg.

I saw the forgotten collection of words, looking like it was tucked hastily into a drawer, and immediately felt sorry for it. Poor thing – you’ve been neglected. Kind of like in my recurring nightmares where I find ignored pet hamsters in my parents’ linen closets, or tropical fish flopping about in the last inch of gungy aquarium water. Am I telling too much?

And then the following thoughts plugged up my head:

“Geez. It’s a little late to write about New Year’s Resolutions now. But you can’t just throw it out – what a waste. But it will look bad if I put it up on the blog now – it will look like I’m late, a slacker. I don’t want people to think I’m a loser. Well, it’s not like you have anything much else up there. Ouch – good one. No, really, just chuck it. But, ohhhh, it’s a really good cause – you can’t just drop it. You caaaannnnn’t.”

‘Tis true, I can’t just drop it. My 2006 New Year’s Resolution was to finish all the stuff I started. No matter what.

Crap. Mutter, mutter.
Ok. I will post it.

Then more head mess ensues.

“Do I just put it up and pretend no one will notice? Kind of like sneaking into the back of the class when it’s all ready started? Or do I come up with a good excuse? How about a segue – something about second chances for resolutions if you’ve messed yours up all ready. Yeah, yeah. I could say something about Chinese New Year coming up in February. That’s it. We’ve got an in! Phew.

And so goes my humble little third post for my personal blog. Follow on to the fourth, which should have been the third.

Messed up your New Year’s Resolutions all ready? Not to worry, Chinese New Year is coming up in February. Think of it as your second chance; the first one was just a dress rehearsal where you got to try them on for size and throw out the ones that didn’t fit.

A couple of weeks ago, Now Magazine – Toronto’s free arts and culture weekly paper – featured some worthy resolutions from cool Toronto residents, and some of these are worth stealing. Best part is I’m sure they won’t mind if you do.

For example try novelist Susan Swan’s resolution on for size. This year Susan resolves to protest when it counts, and reminds us that as citizens we wield more influence than just our consumer power of boycotting brands.

“I’m an activist, not just a novelist, because activism works….In my lifetime, I’ve seen extraordinary political change. Feminism improved the quality of women’s lives irrevocably. When I started writing, all Canadian books were sold at the back of the store in a section labelled Canadiana, which suggested they were manuals for stripping pine furniture. Popular foreign books were sold at the front in the bestseller section, and foreign publishers expected writers like me to sell them the Canadian rights to a novel and forgo a Canadian edition of my work.”

Kind of makes the typical “I will to lose those last 10 lbs” resolution sound kind of small.

Susan’s cause is Community AIR, devoted to restoring the Toronto Island Airport lands to park, recreation and cultural use.

Read Susan Swan’s resolution in Now Magazine. The issue also features worthy resolutions from Sarah Harmer and John Mighton

At the end of Tae Kwon Do class today, our instructor, a young Master from Korea, asked us to close our eyes and meditate on 2007, the coming new year, to challenge ourselves, and to set a goal.

It sounded like an OK thing to do. I hadn’t had time really to come up with resolutions. So I closed my eyes, took a deep breath or two, and marveled that the CD player was playing a song with the lyrics “I’m going to be happy”, or something like that, in the background. Wow – how’s that for serendipity.

Then I breathed some more, listened to the traffic outside, and thought to myself that I was getting more “space” in between my thoughts, and how cool was that, what a good girl am I, my zen meditation must be working.

Tra la la.

Then I realized my hands weren’t in the right position, so I fixed that and sat up straighter. Checked out my lower back because it had been hurting recently, and adjusted my posture because it’s been concerning me.

Took another breath and lo, time was up. We stood up, but instead of ending the class, the Master asked us to say our resolutions out loud.

Noooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

Egads. I hate that. Really hate it. I hate it, hate it, double hate it. Triple hate it. And crap, I hadn’t even thought of any. Argh.

Now my usual way to get out of this would be to come up with a good excuse. “Uh, is that my mother calling? Gotta go.” Sometimes the excuse was bad…”Sorry, my religion proclaims that I can’t say these things aloud. Yeah, weird, eh? “

But if it worked and got me out of the fear and into relief, any excuse was damn brilliant.

Until the adrenaline wore away. As it always does. And your heart rate goes back to normal, your clammy hands dry up, and you are left wondering what it feels like to be one of those little reindeer that plays those reindeer games, laughing, and smiling, and obviously having fun.

Then your heart skips a beat and you groan as your stomach churns when you remember the retarded excuse you came up with, and wondered how you were ever going to face them all again. And you wished the earth would split open right then and there, and swallow you whole.

So, I didn’t do it. I want to be one of those reindeers playing reindeer games. I want to participate and have fun doing it. And in order to do that, I have to stop running from the discomfort.

I’ve also just started reading a book that maintains that if you write down your goals, they will come true. It is similar to the idea that if you tell everyone your idea, it will be realized, or if you build it, they will come. So, I decided to go for it.

I had just enough time to formulate some words in my head before I was called out randomly to go ahead. Luckily, the words came in a complete sentence and luckily I didn’t have the time to start censoring and rewriting them.

So, I said them. “I wanted to be bigger, braver and have more confidence.” I wasn’t as loud as I could have been, and tae kwon do is all about being loud. But I said them, and no one laughed or pointed or snickered. Phew.

It felt good to say those words. Ok, that could just be the relief of getting it over with. But upon hear them aloud, they grew on me, and made a lot of sense. So I think I will keep them. And now I will write them.

In 2007 I want to “go big or go home.” I want to be brave enough to be able to go bigger. I want the experience to fill me with confidence.

Tra la la.

Tags: new years, resolutions, confidence, fear, courage, public speaking, loud

I am afraid of:

• sounding stupid.
• sounding arrogant.
• making factual mistakes.
• making spelling or grammatical errors.
• reading this in future months/years/decades and cringing.
• hurting other people’s feelings.
• wasting people’s time.
• inciting ire in people.
• saying how I feel and people not liking me because of it.
• not coming across as “cool.”
• having doors close to me because I write here.
• all criticism. Even constructive.

I have been afraid of things most of my life, and have lived accordingly.

But, the fear makes for a small life. And I don’t want a small life. I want a big fat, rich, fulfilled, challenging, involved and active life. One where I feel I am actively participating, and in which I am fully engaged.

I want an adventure.

So, I am sucking it back and starting now because I am more afraid that the fears will continue to be effective at shutting me up and closing me down, than the consequences of facing any and all of the above.

And so I start.

Ok. So far so good. That was hard. But now I think this could hurt more. I want to learn, so I am actively encouraging you to participate too, and to write to me. And yes, you can point out spelling errors, factual flaws, lapses in judgement, lackadaisical fact-checking etc.

But please – be gentle when you do so. I am just getting my “sea-legs.”