the unstitution

At the end of Tae Kwon Do class today, our instructor, a young Master from Korea, asked us to close our eyes and meditate on 2007, the coming new year, to challenge ourselves, and to set a goal.

It sounded like an OK thing to do. I hadn’t had time really to come up with resolutions. So I closed my eyes, took a deep breath or two, and marveled that the CD player was playing a song with the lyrics “I’m going to be happy”, or something like that, in the background. Wow - how’s that for serendipity.

Then I breathed some more, listened to the traffic outside, and thought to myself that I was getting more “space” in between my thoughts, and how cool was that, what a good girl am I, my zen meditation must be working.

Tra la la.

Then I realized my hands weren’t in the right position, so I fixed that and sat up straighter. Checked out my lower back because it had been hurting recently, and adjusted my posture because it’s been concerning me.

Took another breath and lo, time was up. We stood up, but instead of ending the class, the Master asked us to say our resolutions out loud.

Noooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

Egads. I hate that. Really hate it. I hate it, hate it, double hate it. Triple hate it. And crap, I hadn’t even thought of any. Argh.

Now my usual way to get out of this would be to come up with a good excuse. “Uh, is that my mother calling? Gotta go.” Sometimes the excuse was bad…”Sorry, my religion proclaims that I can’t say these things aloud. Yeah, weird, eh? “

But if it worked and got me out of the fear and into relief, any excuse was damn brilliant.

Until the adrenaline wore away. As it always does. And your heart rate goes back to normal, your clammy hands dry up, and you are left wondering what it feels like to be one of those little reindeer that plays those reindeer games, laughing, and smiling, and obviously having fun.

Then your heart skips a beat and you groan as your stomach churns when you remember the retarded excuse you came up with, and wondered how you were ever going to face them all again. And you wished the earth would split open right then and there, and swallow you whole.

So, I didn’t do it. I want to be one of those reindeers playing reindeer games. I want to participate and have fun doing it. And in order to do that, I have to stop running from the discomfort.

I’ve also just started reading a book that maintains that if you write down your goals, they will come true. It is similar to the idea that if you tell everyone your idea, it will be realized, or if you build it, they will come. So, I decided to go for it.

I had just enough time to formulate some words in my head before I was called out randomly to go ahead. Luckily, the words came in a complete sentence and luckily I didn’t have the time to start censoring and rewriting them.

So, I said them. “I wanted to be bigger, braver and have more confidence.” I wasn’t as loud as I could have been, and tae kwon do is all about being loud. But I said them, and no one laughed or pointed or snickered. Phew.

It felt good to say those words. Ok, that could just be the relief of getting it over with. But upon hear them aloud, they grew on me, and made a lot of sense. So I think I will keep them. And now I will write them.

In 2007 I want to “go big or go home.” I want to be brave enough to be able to go bigger. I want the experience to fill me with confidence.

Tra la la.

Tags: new years, resolutions, confidence, fear, courage, public speaking, loud

I am afraid of:

• sounding stupid.
• sounding arrogant.
• making factual mistakes.
• making spelling or grammatical errors.
• reading this in future months/years/decades and cringing.
• hurting other people’s feelings.
• wasting people’s time.
• inciting ire in people.
• saying how I feel and people not liking me because of it.
• not coming across as “cool.”
• having doors close to me because I write here.
• all criticism. Even constructive.

I have been afraid of things most of my life, and have lived accordingly.

But, the fear makes for a small life. And I don’t want a small life. I want a big fat, rich, fulfilled, challenging, involved and active life. One where I feel I am actively participating, and in which I am fully engaged.

I want an adventure.

So, I am sucking it back and starting now because I am more afraid that the fears will continue to be effective at shutting me up and closing me down, than the consequences of facing any and all of the above.

And so I start.

Ok. So far so good. That was hard. But now I think this could hurt more. I want to learn, so I am actively encouraging you to participate too, and to write to me. And yes, you can point out spelling errors, factual flaws, lapses in judgement, lackadaisical fact-checking etc.

But please – be gentle when you do so. I am just getting my “sea-legs.”

Just waiting for that final shipment of guts to arrive.